Khaled: “How many times you told me we’re going to talk and we didn’t?”
Raya: “Talk about what?”
Khaled: “About what!.. about us.. about you ignoring me all the time!”
Raya: “This is not true, we are okay and there is nothing we need to talk about.”
Khaled: “Bravo! this is what you do.. you run away! let me tell you dear.. No! we are not okay and our relationship is no longer like before.”
Raya: “I really don’t want to talk about this right now! I need to go shopping… I need some clothes… bye!”
In the previous article, I discussed how Pursuers experience more distress about the distance in relationships and feel more compelled to change the patterns to attain more closeness. I also outlined ways to connect with a distancing partner without aggressively pursuing.
But, what about the Distancer?
As discussed previously, even if the distancer is unhappy with how the relationship is going, he/she will not move towards a Pursuer and would rather maintain the status quo.
The Distancer usually handles conflict by shutting out others, pushing feelings away below the surface, withdrawing from conversations, and avoiding discussions about emotions and thoughts (by saying “I don’t know how I feel” or “I don’t want to talk” or “Everything is fine. I don’t know what you’re talking about”.
Therefore, the distancer usually has power in the relationship and builds fear and weakness in their partners by choosing whether or not they want to connect with the Pursuer. Moreover, distancers have very closed personal boundaries, share feelings with a very limited circle of people, prefer alone time and may find face-to-face contact draining. When feelings are expressed, they seem uncontrollable.
Distancers are generally cautious, cool, rational, steady, and calm and prefer efficiency over relationship quality. However, fundamentally, they need acceptance and approval and they lose the opportunity to experience fulfilling and rewarding relationships.
A distancer can foster healthier relationships by:
Distancers need to learn to trust their partners and treat them with compassion when mistakes come up.
Reveal more about who you are gradually so your partner gets to know you better and be able to support you. Self-disclosure helps to build closeness and intimacy.
By being more expressive, our partner would feel more secure, confident and relaxed and less inclined to be pushy, clingy, desperate or intrusive.
Scheduling a specific time to communicate through that commitment is critical because the Pursuer would back off and refrain from pressuring for more attention knowing that connection will happen at the agreed-upon time. This may help balance the relationship where both partners are responsible for the relationship and resolving any conflict that arises.
When breaking our habitual patterns and relational styles, we should treat ourselves and our partners with love, compassion, respect and appreciation. Neither pattern is wrong, and sometimes we take turns adopting one role or the other.
Change your style of relating to balance your needs for autonomy and intimacy and give your relationship a fighting chance. Start with yourself.
Do not wait or expect your partner to do their work at the same time to escape the pattern, as this will have a negative impact on your ability to start making your own changes.
Be the best partner you can be instead of focusing on getting instant results. Drop any expectations or stubbornness because when you consistently make a commitment to change your own approach and responses, your relationship will ultimately change.
Source: 360Moms
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